Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. These simple lyrics to a children’s song have profoundly touched my heart over the last month.
February is the month we celebrate those we love. I think of my loved ones; AJ, the love of my life, the man who has walked with me through joy and through pain, Brayden and Tanner, my feisty, full of life, step sons, Chloe, my sweet, beautiful daughter, and many, many more! Despite all of the loved ones that I am so blessed to be surrounded by, February is a month of heartbreak, dread and loss. I lost Alec on February 26, 1997. We found out that Hailey was an ectopic pregnancy, on February 20, 2012. On February 28, 2013, I went into early term labor and gave birth to Caleb and Phillip. They each only lived minutes. Although, we lost Emma in June, her due date would have been in February, 2014. This February, I miscarried Levi, on Valentine’s Day.
The day I lost Levi, I was singing ‘Jesus Loves Me’ to Chloe, as I always do when I put her down for a nap. I couldn’t sing the song through the tears. Chloe snuggled in, with her cheek pressed to mine. Through the tears, the song lyrics and my precious daughter, Jesus, comforted my heart in an absolutely beautiful way that day. We gave Chloe the middle name Grace because she is God’s gift of grace to our broken hearts. She is an undeserved gift. I didn’t fully understand at the time that we named her (and maybe still don’t), how much God would to use her to speak His love into my life. Yes, the tears that flowed were tears of grief, but they were tears of grief cried on the chest of a Father holding and comforting His hurting daughter. A Father, who can give true peace in the midst of heartache.
When I lost Alec, Hailey, Caleb and Phillip, my reaction was anger! I wanted to scream and throw things and blame God, who could have prevented my hurt! When I lost Emma, I think I was too numb to feel anything. God has done so much work on my heart over the last 3 years! I know that I can’t see the big picture, or even begin to understand what it is, that He is working out in my life. I do, however, choose to believe that He knows, and that is what matters. I know that Jesus loves me. I trust Him. I know that He was willing to suffer for my sake and the sake of my babies. This time around, with Levi, instead of anger, all I want to do is lay my head on His chest and allow Him to comfort me. I wish I could tell you how sweet that is.
I read a quote from Lecrae that I want to close with, because I have found it to be so true. He said, “Peace doesn’t mean you won’t have problems. It means problems won’t have you.”