Beauty from Ashes

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days that I have had as a mother. Not because of the situations necessarily, but because of the condition of my heart. For several days I have felt very “blue.” Maybe a culmination of things…vehicle breakdowns, gluten contamination (which leaves me feeling yucky and edgy), the lonliness of being a stay at home mom (Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful, everyday, that I get to stay home with my daughters, but sometimes I long for adult conversation.), a 2 year old that is into EVERYTHING, extra driving with the older boys starting school, etc. The frustration built and resulted in me losing my temper with Chloe. If you have read the rest of the posts on this blog, you know how hard it was for us to have children. The thoughts that haunted me, over and over again were, “Why did God give this precious little girl to me, knowing I would lose my temper with her? Who am I to yell like I did at this beautiful gift that I longed for, prayed for, and finally received?” Feeling very discouraged, I made a comment to my, ever so patient, husband that I wasn’t good for the girls. His reply was, “Without Christ, neither of us are good for any of our children. Find your strength in Him.” What does that look like on a practical level? I stewed over this for the rest of the evening. I went to bed defeated and in tears.

This morning I had new perspective. My precious Amelia smiles from ear to ear at the first sight of me in the morning and Chloe throws her arms around me and declares, I love you Mom! I was determined not to do this mom gig alone. “Today it’s all You, Jesus! Please remind me constantly to give this to You.” When I would start to feel stressed or frustrated, He would put a simple praise song in my head, that I would sing aloud. It brightened my spirits and both girls enjoyed it as well. “Thank you God, that I’m not in this alone. Thank you that you are faithful!”

Here’s a fun little summary of my morning story book style. Enjoy!

“If you sit down to feed Amelia…”

If you sit down to feed Amelia, Chloe will decide that she needs to take care of her baby too, so she’ll pull out the diapers and baby powder. She’ll get baby powder all over the couch. Watching her do this will remind you that you haven’t given Amelia a bath in 3 days. Giving her a bath will make Chloe think of lotion. She’ll get into the lotion and spread it all over herself, the carpet and the bathroom door. While you’re getting Amelia’s diaper on and cleaning up the lotion mess, this will remind Chloe that she was changing her baby’s diaper. She’ll head to the living room to finish the job. When you search the house, looking for Chloe because she has been quiet for more than 2 seconds, you’ll find the living room COVERED in baby powder. You’ll get out the vacuum to clean it up. After you’ve cleaned the living room, you’ll go to the kitchen to clean the vacuum filters (because baby powder clogs them up). You realize that before you clean the filters, you to have to wash the dishes. When you’re done washing dishes, you will remember that you haven’t taken Chloe potty for awhile. While Chloe is going to the bathroom, you will notice that she needs her fingernails clipped. You’ll get the nail clippers and start the manicure. While you’re clipping her nails, you are thinking, “now I need to vacuum again”, which in turn reminds you that you haven’t cleaned the vacuum filters yet. When you go back to the kitchen, to wash the filters, you happen to notice the clock on the stove reads “lunch time.” You’ll fix Chloe lunch which will make you think that it is time to feed Amelia again. When you sit down to feed Amelia, chances are, Chloe will want to take care of her baby too!

I WILL find joy in raising my beautiful little terrors!

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3