Bitter Sweet

How can one heart be so full of conflicting emotions?

My heart overflows with JOY and AWE, as today we celebrate 22 weeks that I have been carrying our precious Chloe Grace!  She is so healthy and full of LIFE that I can barely contain myself at times!  I am continually amazed at the ways she shows us her little personality and we haven’t even held her yet!  She is our abundant gift of Grace!

This same heart ACHES, because today is also the birthday of our precious Caleb and Phillip, our beautiful twin sons that left us all too soon.  My arms long to HOLD them.  My lips long to KISS their faces.  Their absence has left 2 bleeding holes in the hearts of myself, my husband and our two young sons.  Over the last year, the pain has eased, as I am sure it will continue to do as the years pass.  I do however, know enough of loss to know that the wounds will never fully heal.  How then, do I live life with open wounds?

There is so much that I have learned over the past year.

I have learned the true meaning of Philippians 4:7 that says “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have learned what it means to offer up a sacrifice of praise.  I, to this day can’t sing the Matt Redman song, “Blessed Be Your Name.”  Every time I hear these lyrics, all I can do is raise my hands to Him and weep.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I have learned that the more healing I receive, the heavier my burden is.  With every measure of grace that I am given, also comes the knowledge that someone else shares my pain.  That somewhere, some family is broken because they have lost their child.  That some mother’s heart aches because she can’t conceive, carry to full term, or has chosen to end the life of her unborn child.  That some man’s heart is broken because he can’t be the father that he was made to be.  The hurt that the world suffers has become my own.  I have spent countless hours in tears over others heartache.

Now we return to the JOY!  I have the answer!  One simple name, that when cried out, begins the healing.  When called upon, offers forgiveness!  That name is JESUS!  So many times through the last year, that is the only name I could utter.  I beg you, if you are hurting, turn to Him!  He holds you in His loving arms and weeps with you.  God sent His Son to DIE for this world, so that my sons, can LIVE with Him for eternity!!  That is where my JOY lies.

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One thought on “Bitter Sweet

  1. Pat says:

    I am amazed, my daughter, at what the Lord has done and is continuing to do in and through you, and how you touch my life in ways I can’t even think all through. Thank you Lord, for Your healing hand!! Happy Birthday Caleb and Phillip!

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