From My Heart to Yours – Caleb and Phillip’s Story

February 28,2013…the day my world came crashing down.  Let me back up a little.

On December 11, 2011, I married the man of my dreams, my best friend, and love of my life!  This was the beginning of my “Happily Ever After.”  He had 2 beautiful boys, who took me in and continue to allow me to learn how to be a mom.  We knew from the beginning that we wanted to expand our family but decided to wait a short while.  That ‘while’ turned out to be shorter than we expected.  In February 2012, we found out that we were expecting.  While this was sooner than planned, we were overjoyed!  The next day however, complications landed me in the emergency room for the beginning of the journey we would have never chosen or expected.  Over the timespan of about a month we learned that my pregnancy was ectopic, and we would not yet be having the baby we dreamed of.  Nothing in life compares to losing a baby.  The emptiness inside is heartbreaking.  This however, was not my first experience with loss.  After some poor decisions, when I was younger, I found myself pregnant in high school.  Although timing was not good, I have always believed that children are a blessing and embraced this pregnancy to the best of my ability under the circumstances.  At about 11 weeks, I was told that there was no heartbeat and that I would soon have a miscarriage.  Time eventually does allow for some healing, although not a day passes, that I don’t miss what might have been.

Skip forward again and we are in October, 2012.  It was time to try again and right away, we found ourselves pregnant again!  This time the joy and elation came with a little fear.  After losing two babies, I was cautious.  I had an appointment scheduled and everything was progressing as expected.  I was getting very big, very quickly, and we kept joking that there had to be two babies in there, with my size.  At about 12 weeks (one week before my appointment) I started having some complications.  I called my doctor and she had me come in immediately.  We walked into the ultra sound room expecting the worst.  We walked out with the best news we could have asked for.  We were expecting twins!  They were growing quickly and each appointment encouraged us.  Everything was great.  Both babies were growing at the expected growth rate.  They were both very active in momma’s tummy.  One of them loved to hear me sing.  He would start dancing every time!  Two days after the 20 week mark, I woke up having contractions.  A quick trip to see my doctor, revealed the earth shattering news.  I was in labor and there was very little they could do to stop the progression.  They admitted me into the hospital for labor and delivery.  I lay, for close to 10 hours, upside down in a hospital bed hoping for the amniotic sac to recede so they could stop the progression.  Finally there was nothing left to do and at 7:51 pm, Caleb Daniel was born.  12.1 ounces, 10 inches long and perfect in every way, except that his little lungs were not big enough to take in air.  He was with us just a short time.  An hour and a half later, at 9:23 pm, Phillip Sawyer was born.  11.4 ounces, 9 ¾ inches long and again perfect.  My beautiful boys, so distinct, proof of an amazing Creator.  Caleb had my facial features and Phillip had A.J.’s.  Their feet were just the opposite.  To be able to tell infants apart solely by looking at their feet is a miracle in itself.

In the days ahead, we found that the only comfort that we had, was knowing that ours boys would never experience pain and suffering.  They would never know the effects of sin, in a broken world.  Their first sight was the face of our Savior, Jesus!

Our journey does not end here and I wish I could say that this was the end of our heartbreak.  In June, we again found out that we were expecting.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  My doctor decided to see me weekly and we began all the preventative measures we could.  Weekly ultra sounds showed a healthy growing baby up until week 8.  Again, the worst words you can hear “I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.”

How does one recover from losing 5 babies?  I don’t have the answer and probably never will.  All I know, is that I have to make my story known.  With my first miscarriage, I blamed myself for so many years, because I was scared to tell anyone.  If only I had seen a doctor sooner, my baby would have lived.  That was the lie that I believed for so long!  Miscarriage is more common than people know.  I can’t even tell you the number of mothers and fathers that have shared their stories of loss with my husband and me.  If you are one of them, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If you have experienced loss from miscarriage, or even abortion, please hear this.  Jesus is waiting with open arms to forgive, comfort and give you peace.  All you have to do is ask.  He is already Father to your babies and just waits for you.  Please let Him heal.

I don’t have a “Happily Ever After” for you, but refuse to let the loss of my babies to be in vain.  So this is for you, Alec, Hailey, Caleb, Phillip, and Emma.  Mommy and Daddy love you and can’t wait to meet you!  We will have an amazing family reunion one day in Glory!Image

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28 thoughts on “From My Heart to Yours – Caleb and Phillip’s Story

  1. Missy says:

    I love you Lyndsay! Bless your heart for opening it so! I feel a kinship with you, and you know why. Please know that I pray for you and A.J. all the time. Words escape me right now. You’ve been such a blessing to our family, and the love for Sara that you have touches me. I pray that you find healing in God’s time. Missy

  2. Stacey says:

    I admire the strength you and your husband have had to have through all of this. I can’t begin to fathom how much it took. My prayers are still with you all…
    Stacey

  3. Pat says:

    Love you Lynds! Thank you for sharing this. I pray for healing for your heart and AJ’s.

  4. Susie says:

    My heart aches for you, Sweetheart. I also suffered a miscarriage, 22 years ago yesterday. There are no words. Just know you’re in my prayers.

  5. Jen says:

    I am so, so sorry. There are no words that can comfort a mother’s heart when she loses her child. Having suffered the joy and sudden heart break of several miscarriages myself, I pray for your great healing. I will not pray for strength, because you are so strong amidst this terrible, ongoing trial. Thank you, for sharing this, and may your amazing faith carry you through until you can find joy and peace once again.

  6. I can’t imagine the pain that you guys have endured. To use your losses in life to help others know they are not alone it truly amazing. I hope in time that that you are able to find peace and understanding. You are such a strong family and I admire you for it. (((hugs)))

  7. keela says:

    I have an Aaron Sawyer ( he just turned 2 in June) one day soon, our Sawyer’s are gonna play together and have pleasure of growing up in heaven. God bless you and your family.

    Keela

  8. shawna says:

    oh Lyndsay, you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman. My heart aches for you and your family. I love how you shared your story and think you will and have helped many!! Stay Strong and know that He is in control. Sending you lotsa hugs and prayer! In His Love, Shawna

  9. Jessica Wright says:

    Lyndsay, you are a beautiful person and a beautiful writer. I cant even imagine the heartbreak youve experienced and yet youre so strong to tell your story to help others. Your babies are perfect. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  10. My heart aches for y’all, I admire the strength you and AJ have. While I was reading this I couldn’t help but cry with this hitting close to home for me. My Step Mom & father have been married 16 years and over the course of this time they have had more than 13 miscarriages, too many to count. It brought back all the memories of being excited to have another sibling and being let down with the worst news possible.. Out of all the trials and heartaches though they now have two wonderful “Miracle babies” My younger brother just turned 15 and is now learning to drive (time flies!) and my little sister is 2 years old, they had her late in life but none of us can imagine life without her now. She brightens everyone’s day! All I can say is never give up, God has a reason for everything even if we can’t make sense of it all now, just never lose faith. Keep trying & stay positive. I think its an incredible thing that you have made a blog, sharing your story will allow others that are going through the same thing know that they aren’t alone. Robert & I will be keeping your family in our prayers<3

    • Wow Hailee! I can’t even imagine the despair you and your family have gone through with that many miscarriages. Thank you for sharing this with me. It is very encouraging to me that they now have their miracle babies. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!

  11. Molly says:

    God bless you. You have an amazing testimony and a strength that could only come from Christ.

  12. Cori P. says:

    Beautiful baby boys waiting for you in Glory. It breaks my heart to see these little images of perfection and know that there are people in this country who choose to believe that they are carrying a “clump of cells” at this far along and choose to end the pregnancy. 😦 I am so thankful that Jesus has saved me from the wrath that God is going to pour out on this earth…. I just can’t imagine, when I look at the state of the world today, especially how society treats our most vulnerable, how God can be so patient.
    Thank you for sharing your story, through your pain God is drawing others to Himself. The rewards you are storing up in heaven must be innumerable. Praying for continued healing for you and your family.

  13. Jennie Wright says:

    As a mom, my heart breaks for you. I too have a baby in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Sharee Moore wrote a book about pregnancy and infant loss that you may find helpful. I know it touched me and several of my friends that have endured the loss of a child and pregnancy. “Stolen Angels: 25 Stories of Hope After Infant or Pregnancy Loss.” I will be praying for you and your family.

  14. Tori J says:

    I just cried reading this. I am so very very sorry you have had to experience this horribly painful loss. Ive had 2 documented Miscarriages one of which i was 12wks and the other only a couple wks. Ive also had 4 undocumented where i was only a couple wks but hadnt been to the doc yet cuz i’d just found out when i lost em. And i lost my son when he was 40 days old. We got up that morning and he was just gone. He would have been 6 this april. Now the happy side of my story after my 1st two losses as a teenager i had alex who is 10 now and then connor who is 9 and terrified as i was to have another with 4 miscarages and loss of an infant in between i also have gavin who is 1. I wish you the best of luck in having a baby and hope you find your joy on the other side of your pain.

    • Wow! Thank you for sharing this with me. I am in tears with you over your heartbreak. I am so glad that you have your miracle babies after such heartache. I also understand the fear, as I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.

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