July 16, 2013…Caleb and Phillip’s due date.

“My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.”

Psalm 119:28

As I sit in remembrance, of the beautiful boys I carried, my heart aches.  Today should be a day of joy, excitement, even fear of how to keep up with twin boys!  Instead I have a shattered heart and empty arms.  Although the hurt is not near what it was 5 months ago, it is still ever present and I know that it will be for the rest  of my life on earth.  I long for Heaven.  I long to be reunited with the pieces of my heart that left all too soon.  The day will come. Until then, I will hide these Words in my heart:

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.  I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you will no longer suffer reproach.”

Zephaniah 3:17-18

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From My Heart to Yours – Caleb and Phillip’s Story

February 28,2013…the day my world came crashing down.  Let me back up a little.

On December 11, 2011, I married the man of my dreams, my best friend, and love of my life!  This was the beginning of my “Happily Ever After.”  He had 2 beautiful boys, who took me in and continue to allow me to learn how to be a mom.  We knew from the beginning that we wanted to expand our family but decided to wait a short while.  That ‘while’ turned out to be shorter than we expected.  In February 2012, we found out that we were expecting.  While this was sooner than planned, we were overjoyed!  The next day however, complications landed me in the emergency room for the beginning of the journey we would have never chosen or expected.  Over the timespan of about a month we learned that my pregnancy was ectopic, and we would not yet be having the baby we dreamed of.  Nothing in life compares to losing a baby.  The emptiness inside is heartbreaking.  This however, was not my first experience with loss.  After some poor decisions, when I was younger, I found myself pregnant in high school.  Although timing was not good, I have always believed that children are a blessing and embraced this pregnancy to the best of my ability under the circumstances.  At about 11 weeks, I was told that there was no heartbeat and that I would soon have a miscarriage.  Time eventually does allow for some healing, although not a day passes, that I don’t miss what might have been.

Skip forward again and we are in October, 2012.  It was time to try again and right away, we found ourselves pregnant again!  This time the joy and elation came with a little fear.  After losing two babies, I was cautious.  I had an appointment scheduled and everything was progressing as expected.  I was getting very big, very quickly, and we kept joking that there had to be two babies in there, with my size.  At about 12 weeks (one week before my appointment) I started having some complications.  I called my doctor and she had me come in immediately.  We walked into the ultra sound room expecting the worst.  We walked out with the best news we could have asked for.  We were expecting twins!  They were growing quickly and each appointment encouraged us.  Everything was great.  Both babies were growing at the expected growth rate.  They were both very active in momma’s tummy.  One of them loved to hear me sing.  He would start dancing every time!  Two days after the 20 week mark, I woke up having contractions.  A quick trip to see my doctor, revealed the earth shattering news.  I was in labor and there was very little they could do to stop the progression.  They admitted me into the hospital for labor and delivery.  I lay, for close to 10 hours, upside down in a hospital bed hoping for the amniotic sac to recede so they could stop the progression.  Finally there was nothing left to do and at 7:51 pm, Caleb Daniel was born.  12.1 ounces, 10 inches long and perfect in every way, except that his little lungs were not big enough to take in air.  He was with us just a short time.  An hour and a half later, at 9:23 pm, Phillip Sawyer was born.  11.4 ounces, 9 ¾ inches long and again perfect.  My beautiful boys, so distinct, proof of an amazing Creator.  Caleb had my facial features and Phillip had A.J.’s.  Their feet were just the opposite.  To be able to tell infants apart solely by looking at their feet is a miracle in itself.

In the days ahead, we found that the only comfort that we had, was knowing that ours boys would never experience pain and suffering.  They would never know the effects of sin, in a broken world.  Their first sight was the face of our Savior, Jesus!

Our journey does not end here and I wish I could say that this was the end of our heartbreak.  In June, we again found out that we were expecting.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  My doctor decided to see me weekly and we began all the preventative measures we could.  Weekly ultra sounds showed a healthy growing baby up until week 8.  Again, the worst words you can hear “I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.”

How does one recover from losing 5 babies?  I don’t have the answer and probably never will.  All I know, is that I have to make my story known.  With my first miscarriage, I blamed myself for so many years, because I was scared to tell anyone.  If only I had seen a doctor sooner, my baby would have lived.  That was the lie that I believed for so long!  Miscarriage is more common than people know.  I can’t even tell you the number of mothers and fathers that have shared their stories of loss with my husband and me.  If you are one of them, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If you have experienced loss from miscarriage, or even abortion, please hear this.  Jesus is waiting with open arms to forgive, comfort and give you peace.  All you have to do is ask.  He is already Father to your babies and just waits for you.  Please let Him heal.

I don’t have a “Happily Ever After” for you, but refuse to let the loss of my babies to be in vain.  So this is for you, Alec, Hailey, Caleb, Phillip, and Emma.  Mommy and Daddy love you and can’t wait to meet you!  We will have an amazing family reunion one day in Glory!Image

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